hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
