If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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