I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
