Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
