Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
