haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
