Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
