I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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