I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
