The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
