the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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