The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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