naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
