i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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