I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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