no, he came in my armpit
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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