At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
