YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
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After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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