last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
