wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
