thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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