Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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