U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
