all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
