Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
do nipples grow back?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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