reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Sex in the backyard? Check.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
