I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
They have beer where we have blood.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
