I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s