somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.