I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.