So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
