Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
