you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
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Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
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I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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