i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
