apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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