U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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