Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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