I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
