I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
