It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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