and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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