Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
