Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
