can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
