Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
