I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
