Im at strip club and am horny
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
