just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
