remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
