I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
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so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
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I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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