Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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