the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
