I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
