Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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