Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
